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Thursday, January 27th, 2005
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haaaay haaay bitches!
so no school this week wooot woooot! and tomorrow night hangin out with the bitches. and prolly during the day ill hang out with jay. so yeah goin to see jeff 19th-21st...agh im so excited i miss him so much! and ah yeah the girlies are sleeping over tomorrow night. should be fun. but yeah everything with Jeff and I is going really good and i love him. and yeah, im wicked happy. and dude i cannot friggen wait until the summer ha. omg its gonna be so much fucking fun. me and my mom went to see bright eyes on monday...omg it was so amazing. He really was just so good live. I wasnt disappointed at all. and im wicked excited because when im in new jersey its gonna be me and jeffs year and ten months. which is cool. and pretty wow. and yeah. And i think this summer we'll deffinetly get to spend a shitload of time together and im wicked excited. and then its only a matter of time until i get my liscence...wooot wooot. get my permit this summer. and fucking road trips this summer with wayne haha. i dont know everythings been good. you know? and its alright...and yeah. im psyched. but im tired. im wicked tired but i feel like being artsy or making something so i think im gonna go do that. and ah yeah. ill write in a few days or whenever i get bored. man i never update this thing anymore...but i redid it!!
Bored of cheering me up
bored of calming me down
bored of drying my eyes
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Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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okay so got home from kansas a couple days ago. Oh god. i had so much fun. i miss it though. It just feels like home there. theres not a lot of places that feel like home. and when you find it and you have to leave...I guess it makes leaving the hardest..i have to do a paper for school and i really dont feel like doing it. Its pretty easy though. Wayne moved. he called tonight but i was sleeping. I think me him and trisha are gonna go catch a movie tomorrow. Ive been really lonely the past two days without having everyone around. I feel like i just dont fit in here anymore. Its weird. like..i dont know. i think im gunna go steal one of my brothers incense though they are new and i want to smell them. I realized a lot about myself while i was on vacation. and i guess thats why i didnt want to come back. i found myself to be happier, and more confident and just all around better. I want to start over. and im just drowning here. I told my mom last night i wanted to move and she understood. I just told her how i want to start over and she gets it i mean who wouldnt get it? It was nice spending the night over my moms last night. i mean minus the fact that i got two hours of sleep. but what are you gonna do? at least tonights friday. Man i cant wait till summer. i just want to be able to do what i want. and im deffinetly spending the whole summer with core. we already planned it out. it was really hard to leave. she started to cry and she hugged me and i cried too. no one understands how close we are. Its nice to have someone like that i dont know. everythings weird. im really confused. im confused about a lot. Ryan (kc) sent me pictures of us and corey and what not they are cute. I like them a lot. ha the first day i got to kansas fuckin the airport lost my bags what the hell right. so then we had to go back to get it that night and i was sick and then i went back to ryans and threw up and he rubbed my head for awhile and i fell asleep and then me and corey went back to her house at like 1030 or so. but i had the time of my life. and now its back to this. I have to get out of here before it kills me completely.
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Thursday, December 9th, 2004
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Kansas in 18 days. woot woot. I miss everyone. so much. aghh. Im picking up jeff in a couple weeks. oot oot. i miss his little face dude. i cant wait to just...smile. me trisha and wayne are chillin saturday and maybe joe. dont know. Ive had this in my head for days so dont mind me. ( Spend the night lit listening to miles davis )
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Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
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how freaking weird is it that i got that....wow
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Sunday, December 5th, 2004
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Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
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Wow. got back from kansas tuesday night. It was amazing. I dont think ive had so much fun. I miss everyone so much. i miss my cousin so much. I was just so happy. and it was so...new. I might go back over christmas break. But im not sure yet. If i dont im deffinetly spending the summer there. We already planned it out. I came back here and i feel so unhappy. Like i have nothing here. School fucking blows. i have so much shit to do. and i just have no motivation to do it. Its like i find no reason to anything anymore. its like everything just seems so pointless and empty. I hate school. like words cannot express how much i just want to say fuck it. I dont even know what i have to do but i have so much to do. I have so many tests and shit to makeup and i dont know. Everything will come together i hope. and if it doesnt, then that works too. it seems like 2nd quarter is always weird and effed up. But yeah i need to go to new jersey. I need to see him so bad. It hurts. but the funniest thing is its almost been nine months since ive seen him or has been nine months and no matter what its like...he always makes it okay. i called him the other day crying and was just like i miss you and i cant take it. and he didnt really say anything and then said he had to go. and then about an hour after that he called and said I just wanted you to know that i love you more than anything in this entire world and i dont want you to cry because i know im going to see you again. Your my everything and i love you so much and I know that we will see eachother again and i miss you but its okay everything is going to be okay. and that made me realize that it is okay. Yeah, some days its gonna hurt more than others but he keeps me strong. and after we hung up he sent me a text message and it said "its like we share the same heartbeat" Hes so amazing. Its been a year and a little over seven months. its unbelievable. i feel like its been so much longer. but its like connor oberst says "absence leads to adoration" and its true. i dont know. I just hope ill be able to see him around christmas. it was so shitty last year when i didnt get to see him. but yeah this is really long so im gunna go get in the shower. tomorrows friday. that means i got a whole weekend to relax...or go insane. either one.
Your just as far in as youll ever be out
and these mistakes you made youll just make them again
if you only try turning around
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Monday, November 22nd, 2004
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Im not going to be further away from you. well i mean yeah i am. But like you said the other night "your always with me everywhere i am. Your my heart" and its true. its like the snow patrol song "even if you cannot hear my voice ill be right beside you dear" Plus when i get back. Your coming!!! and we get to cuddle and sleep and wrestle and kiss all week. and you get to watch corny chick flicks with me. haha. and we can go to providence on friday and go ice skating. and ill get you something for christmas. and we can take cute pictures and you and my little sister can get married. and ya know then theres that ring....<333333 *hint hint* ill even show you it! and on new years eve we can throw balloons at eachother and those little sparkly things and when its 2005 we can kiss like all those cliche movies you see. and itll be perfect. haha. I love you. i cant wait to talk to you tomorrow after i get off the plane. im waking your bitch ass up. god. everything is so good...and you see it too. and your happy. and we laugh. and its pure sunshine
Whenever my heart bleeds you take the pain away.
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Saturday, November 20th, 2004
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Year and seven months.
Can you promise me youll never drive drunk. I wasnt pissed at you. And your friend Larry was nice. Hes going on my list of people that i want to meet. I worry sick about you...and i Dont know what i would do if anything ever happend to you. I never worry about people. Well i do but not to the point where i cry and feel like i just want to steal a car and tell you to stop moving because ill be there in a while. I will be there in a while. I dont know what i would do if anything ever happend. I wouldnt be able to live. Well i would, but i just wouldnt have a reason to anymore. Everything has been so good. We're happy. We talk for like 7 hours a day. and thats not even an exaggeration. Im really not pissed at you...I worry about you. and you were sick from drinking. Why dont you get sick when im with you so i can take care of you. Because i would. and even though you dont have hair to pull back. Id still rub your hair and back even if i get sick too. And larry was so nice. and that was so nice of you not to just blown my text message off. You called because you cared even when you didnt have to. Please go home. Just go home for tonight. I want you to go home. and larry said "I was just calling cause i dont want you to be worried about jeff. He fucking...he loves you and he says that your so awesome" and there were girls there, and you called me baby, and you told me you loved me and you didnt care. Im so happy that we are happy lets just stay like this forever and ever and ever. and ill make you pbj and macaroni and cheese for dinner. and we can lay in bed all day while everyone else is running around doing their "priorities" and everything is going to be great when you get off that plane. and i cant wait until i can drive. until we can drive. Then we can see eachother anytime we want. jesus christ...you are the air that i breathe. I love you....so much. and i know youll call me in the morning. all hungover and sick again. and thats alright, well i mean it sucks for you. but youll say "I wouldnt feel so sick if you were here holding me." or "babyyyy...im so sick. but its okay because i love you" and that makes it easier to say Everythings going to be fine. <3 times infinity.
Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.
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Saturday, November 13th, 2004
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I get cocaine from this girl I met and my brother buys me alcohol. And I stay up all night walking
through these houses I have grown to hate and my parents ask if I'm all right I say "I've just been staying up too late."
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Friday, November 12th, 2004
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whats up. Friday and what am i doing? nothing. Waiting for bernadette to get home. Its fucking cold outside. I guess its snowing around boston. its just rainy and cold here. You know, I like say to myself well if thats what can make it work then ill do it. and then when it like happens. im not happy. it is kind of lame. i mean, its my fault but then again its not. I dont know i had therapy wendsday. It was good...I got to let a lot of things off my chest. i cried mostly the whole time but thats what its for right. And i love anne shes so awesome, she seriously gives me the best advice and i trust her more than anyone. I hate how she has your initials in her profile because you told me its only hooking up and you dont even like her like that. so are you lying to me or her? Well i got really excited today because bright eyes has two new cds coming and im getting both of them in january because saddle creek rocks hardcore man tits. Im making a list of cds i want. and i swear to god i need photoshop for christmas or something...jesus its like putting a huge creative block on my life. I cant do anything and my journal is lame-ass. i wish we had a spot in this town Like a random old house where everyone went and just chilled like all the kids. and the cops wouldnt break it up it was just like ours. you know? somewhere where everyone knew but no one knew. I dont know ineed coffee and i just chain smoked wicked bad. But its okay because its friday. i bet you my mom still reads this. hahaha. well if she does...HI MOM!!!! i wish bernadette would answer her cell phone cause i want an ice coffee...god im still drinking ice coffee and its like 0 degrees out. oh well. I need to go to jersey. I wanna see Mel and mike and all them other shits. And theres like a huge list of skank ass hoes that i would love to coincidentally run into and just smash a bottle over there head. or coincidentally run them over with a car. I wanna meet chrissy too. She seems so sweet and i love her! dont know. Feb i get my liscence woooooooo...can we say RoadtripXcore. cause i deffinetly can. You shouldnt tell people something because your lonely and because it will make them feel better in attempt to convince yourself youll feel better. Just cause you dont have something physically doesnt mean its not right. and doesnt mean its not hard for the other person too. I want to talk to shane too. I called him the other day whats up with not calling people back? Jeffs friend rocco seems okay. hes nice, i dont know him but everytime im on the phone with jeff and hes there he always says hey to me and if hes leaving hell be like "tell jen i said bye" thats nice. random things like that make me happy. You make me happy. in a weird fucked up sort of contradicting way. that you dont even understand yourself.
Love kills, Romance is dead
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Friday, November 5th, 2004
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ive never felt a pain like this before. i cant take it. Ive been crying all night and it just wont stop.
I cant do anything this weekend cause i stayed home all week from school so my dads not letting me. he doesnt understand that if i dont go out im going to die. i dont know what i want. I want something to make this go away. i never understood why you have emotions. Its just a heart all its supposed to do is pump blood. its not supposed to make you feel all this other shit. I feel like ive lost such a huge part of me. I saw a shooting star tonight. and i felt more alone thatn i have ever. Ive never ever felt like this before. i mean its really over. Im really nothing. i mean i know im going to be alright. but i know that i will never love anyone again. and i was crying and i just fell asleep for twenty minutes or so but i dont know it wasnt even like i was sleeping. i just laid there so numb and i couldnt even feel myself crying anymore. All i want is to know that im not the only one whos missing you know? Are you missing me too? I dont know, everything ive been trying to do just never seems to make the pain go away...i watched oprah today. It really moved me. it was about mike tysons ex wife and how he beat the shit out of her. And just to see the pain in her eyes, and how much she went through. it was horrible. it really moved me though....
I dont know i have a lot of homework and shit to do from when i was out. I guess ill just do it now, i have nothing else to do with myself.
I just want this thing to stop beating.
When the doctors have left and you sweat through the bed
with the pictures and pills that are piled around your head
just rest now...
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Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
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This sucks.
im depressed,and i am sick. i went to the doctors today, they did blood work
I cant believe bush won. another four years...ugh.
I have absolutely no one. My best friend isnt returning my calls. which make sme feel. like she doesnt even want to be friends with me anymore. What can i do? i dont know what to do anymore.
I dont know. i havent been to school in two days i think. im not going tomorrow i just am gonna lay in bed all day again. Grades close friday. im glad i am probably failing now. its alright, i dont mind.
whys it so hard to be here right now? i have no motivation for anything. I fucking hate this.
It never matters if you love someone. cause love never wins. its not like in the movies where your sitting in your car or walking somewhere and have this huge ephiphony with music and you think to yourself "i need them i love them" and then go running across some random bridge and find them in a random taxi and you have that perfect kiss and then blah blah blah the end. Love doesnt mean anything anymore seriously. Theres so much more you need. and people are never satisfied with what they have. It always has to come with so many things and then its like "you know, i do love you" it can never be just what it is. its always gonna be love and someone else, and the someone else wins because they are new, and they are mysterious...they arent the love that the person is used to and knows is alwyas gonna be there. so they go off with the someone else and totally forget what they threw away, because it doesnt matter, because somewhere the love will always...love. and that gives them comfort before going to sleep. and yeah maybe they think while they are with the someone else "i wonder how love is...I wonder where love is" but its okay because youve come to "love" someone else. and thats exactly what it is. Just growing to love them. not that feeling of craziness where they think "ive never felt this in my life"... while love shrivels up in a bathrobe eating ben and jerrys watching lifetime all day, knowing that once this stops hurting its gonna change its name from love to second, to alone. and it knows it will never be love again.
sorry if i got carried away...i just needed to ramble...
guinnevere call me or something...iF not at least tell me you hate me so i know.
Remember all the songs and the way we smiled?
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Sunday, October 31st, 2004
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How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave?
'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
There's just an empty s p a c e
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
But take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've gotta face
I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
But take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
But to wait for you is all I can do
And that's what I've gotta face
Take a look at me now
I'll just be standing here
And you coming back to me
Is against the odds
And that's a chance I've gotta face
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Saturday, October 30th, 2004
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Hey, wayne and trisha are coming over later we're gonna go out to eat tonight and go see the grudge...then tomorrow is halloween. It only took a fucking day for him to mess up! how can so much bad stuff happen in like a day. i knew i was gonna be let down too soon so why did i get my hopes up?
Ugh iggy is pissing me off. Hes being such a douche to guinnevere seriously WAKE THE FUCK UP! hes like being all distant from her and then not telling her whats up. Its obvious he did something or theres something he wants her to know. But um hello she cant just figure everything out on her own. ESPECIALLY IF SHE DOESNT KNOW WHAT IT IS. So either smarten up and clue her in, or stop wasting her time. thanks. I dont have a problem with him, but when you fuck with my best friend man fuck that. shed do it for me, she has done it for me.
now that ive flipped out, i think im gonan go have a coffee, shower, and then try to find some smokes.
this is great i havent been able to have my own ciggarette in like fucking four days AWESOME!
i cant believe you left me here..
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Monday, October 25th, 2004
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you fail me with your inferno fuck me eyes
that burn as fuel for my city and its neon lights
burn bright white line fever take them all
you fail me with your new dead end dream
you fail me with your pill box fantasy
you fail me as love's greatest war
that was never worth
you were never worth fighting for
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Sunday, October 24th, 2004
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Man all these seasons changing sucks.
went out with my ma last night. It was fun, we never really do things just me and her so it was cool man. just chilled. we went to this fucking awesome italian restaraunt omg it was so good. Its called the tuscan tavern so everyone who lives in RI/MA check it out.
Im making a scrap book on monday...which would be tomorrow. well im gonna start it anyways, i am supposed to go to kathies tomorrow but i havent heard from her so im not sure.
I need some new songs, if anyone has the new converge, fear before the march of flames, and recover cds can you burn them for me? or let me copy em or something? I heard the new converge cd you fail me was unbelievable.
I dont want to be here anymore, i just wanna get the hell out of here. i just wnat something to make the time go by faster, ya know? like i just need something to make this year go by fast. I hung out with billy today though, it was really awesome. He called me three times last night too. He was all yeah i wanted to see you last night. It was weird..billy just doesnt do that. but i cant wait till he gets his liscence so we can chill more. we're hangin next weekend.
Im wicked lonely. I just want someone to hold.
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Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
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Hey do i wanna put someones head through a fucking wall? oh yeah just checking.
I might as well be 4 because being fifteen absolutely gets me no where
my seven year old brother gets more than i do. Thats awesome. Wicked awesome.
I wish everyone would just fucking stay the hell out of my goddamn life.
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Saturday, October 16th, 2004
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Hey.
today is friday. I went to the hockey game tonight. You know, i love the city...but it makes me feel lonely. and the cold air makes me feel lonely too.
I havent talked to kevin in a couple days. hes bumming. i just wish i knew what to say. Im not that clever.
Me and my mom had a heart to heart talk the other day. It was nice ya know? and i mean despite how i flip out sometimes, she put a lot of things into perspective ya know? Im glad we talked though, cause if we didnt there would have been all that bullshit still there bugging me.
I miss jeff a lot. Infact i still love him. I still love him a lot.
is that really bad? i was thinking like...maybe i love him because im supposed to or maybe thats just me thinking that to make myself feel better. I thought though why should i even bother to fight it anymore. If i love him than maybe i love him for the good and the bad. Ugh i dont know my mind is scrambling.
My dads taking me to this pink floyd concert thing tomorrow. I cannot wait. seriously. its gonna be a blast. i tried sleeping earlier and i couldnt. so why not update the los live journal.
guinnevere is in brookline with the iggy. im happy she got to go. she was really upset when she couldnt find a ride. They're so cute. Im happy for them ya know? Its nice to see your friends happy cause then you think, ya know what shit for me is gonna work out too.
Im going to kansas in november. i cant wait. i dont know this thing with kevin is really bugging me. what the hell. things were like unbelievable for awhile. and now they are just back to where they started. But im good at going around in circles with people. Every time i try telling him how i feel with things. things meaning us...he like gets scared of his emotions and gets mad...i dont get it.
Im pretty happy with where things are at with my family life...which is the most important thing ya know. Im just...so unhappy. i hate complaining cause people have it so much worse than i do. But it seems like ive always been unhappy no matter what. I just need something thats real. thats pure, and true and genuine. Where is it? I just want someone to hold me...i want to lay in bed with someone and just listen to the rain. cause its pouring...and im the only one in it.
im out, udpate in a few.
The static in this silence is enough to drive me insane
so ill get together all the pages and set my veins on fire.
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Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
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okay the reason why i hate chick flicks...
is because they remind me of how badly i just want to fall madly in love with a perfect guy, runaway and get married. Or him chase me around the world and then get married. Either would be really nice. Preferably the first. so yeah ill be taking man of my dreams applications starting now.
ugh god this town feels so lonely.
I feel so lonely. i hate feeling lonely. and it seems like everyones gone. You know what, i really want to talk to that guy pat i met this weekend. We connected like...on the most unbelievable level. Ive never ever ever, been able to talk to and have so much in common with a guy that ive only known for five hours. It was unbelievable. I dont know though. i just dont know. Am i doing something wrong? cause i feel like something is so so so wrong with me.
i cant believe you left me here.
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Monday, October 11th, 2004
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wow. this weekend was crazy. Went to kathies saturday and hung out with some people. Came home last night and katie and katie slept over. i dont know. Ive just been thinking lately and i really want to change my life. I want to get it together. I dont want to be this person anymore ya know? Im sick of it so im changing. Im deffinetly changing. Im so excited for like my life to start. I dont need any of this shit ya know. i talked to serkan today for about an hour which is good. i miss him hes coming up in december which should be awesome i cant wait to see him. His roomates funny. You know im so in the mood for bright eyes. like i want to drown myself in bright eyes ha. i havent gone to a show in forever either. Oh oh i forgot. serkan gave me his student ID and password and shti so i can send him packages and stuff. im so excited im gunna send him and his roomates like food and shit. i cant even wait. Ugh god I really am having a fucking emotional break down. im just so unhappy.
If you close your eyes we will always be the way we were that night you crawled inside of me. You slept in my blood the way you sleep now.
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let_me_slipaway's journal
artistic.
confused.
loved.
infuriated.
alive..
I hope you choke..
lonely.
discontent.